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India on Brink of War with United States

India is on the verge of war with the United States after the State Department refused to take action against Tonight Show host Jay Leno for a joke about the Golden Temple.

Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple and joked that it was the summer home of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

Following online protests from Sikhs in America, India’s Overseas Affairs Minister Vyalar Ravi called for the US government to look into the issue, saying, “The Golden Temple is the Sikh community's most sacred place. If Jay Leno wanted to joke about it, he should have first cleared it with our Prime Minister, who is himself a Sikh.”

State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said that President Barack Obama is not considering taking action against Leno, noting that “his comments are constitutionally protected in the United States under free speech.” But she quickly added that Obama did not find the joke funny at all and generally preferred Letterman to Leno.

But the U.S. response did not satisfy the Indian government. Sources say that Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has met with Defense Minister A.K. Antony to discuss the logistics of going to war against the United States.

“It’s a very serious issue,” an informed source said. “Obama should have condemned Leno and instructed NBC to cancel his show. But perhaps the president is being very strategic. He knows that Americans always re-elect a president during a time of war.”

While some military analysts question whether India can wage a war against the United States, others point out that the U.S. has already spent billions of dollars fighting in Iraq and would be reluctant to commit to another costly war.

“I think they’re going to have to appease India in some way,” said David McDouglas, a writer for MilitaryNews.com. “I’m not sure what that will involve. Perhaps Obama will have to make a pilgrimage to the Golden Temple.”

He noted that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper had to do something similar last year, after comedian Russell Peters said that Bollywood movies are “all garbage” and Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai “is the biggest example of bad acting.”

“To appease India, do you know what Harper did?" McDouglas asked. “He sat through an entire Bollywood movie! Anything to prevent a war against India.”

Mitt Romney, meanwhile, told a group of reporters in Florida that he has several summer homes, but the Golden Temple isn’t one of them. “Nice place,” he said. “I love the architecture and the color scheme. I’ve already told my real estate broker, ‘If it ever goes on sale, snap it up.’”

Watch out for falling objects

If you’re planning to go for a walk –- and I strongly advise against this –- you might want to keep your eyes up. You never know what might fall on you: apples, frogs, Russian space crafts. Yes, it’s a dangerous world out there and the best thing you can do is stay indoors. If you absolutely have to go outside, follow my example and say a prayer: “Dear God, if you must drop something on my head, let it be hair. My bald spot isn’t getting any smaller.”

Apples may seem like harmless objects, but not when they’re dropping from the sky, as they recently did in Coventry, England. More than 100 apples fell on a main road in the village of Keresley, forcing drivers to slam their brakes. They were lucky they weren’t walking. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, as the old saying goes, but 100 apples will surely bring him.

Doctor: “What happened, Mrs. Smith? Why do you have all those bumps on your head?”

Mrs. Smith: “It's my son-in-law's fault. I was walking to the Pension Service to discuss my housing benefits and my son-in-law said, ‘Good luck, Mum! I hope your visit will be very fruitful.’”

Officials in Coventry are trying to figure out where the apples came from. One theory is that they were swept up from an orchard by a tornado and dropped on the road, but Keresley parish councillor Sandra Camwell has a more logical explanation: witches.

“We're in an area with a spooky history, where there have been witches for centuries, after all," she told The Telegraph.

If it were just apples falling from the sky, we wouldn't have too much to worry about. In fact, we might pray that more apples fall, especially in parts of the world where people would lie on their backs and open their mouths wide.

London man: “Yes!!! That apple just saved me a lot of money!”

Tourist: “But you didn't even eat it.”

London man: “Eat it? Are you bonkers? Why would I eat it? I just wanted it to knock out my loose tooth, so I wouldn't have to pay the dentist.”

Unfortunately it’s more than just apples falling from the sky.  Just ask anyone who follows the news closely and they’ll tell you about the thousands of frogs that fell in Odzaci, a small town in northwestern Serbia, in 2005, or the hundreds of fish that fell in Lajamanu, a town in Australia’s northern territory, in 2010. 

“When I told my family, who live in another part of Australia, about the fish falling from the sky, they thought I'd lost the plot,” a woman named Christine Balmer told The Daily Mail. “But no, I haven't lost my marbles. All I can say is that I'm thankful that it didn't rain crocodiles!”

Raining frogs and fish is bad enough, although you might get a meal out of them. But here's a warning: if something falls out of the sky, make sure you identify it before you put it in your mouth and start chewing. Even if it looks like a real fish, you should always turn it around to see if you can spot the words “Made in China.”

Experts believe that the frogs and fish were swept up by tornadoes or sucked up in a storm, but how do they explain what happened in Kentucky in 1876? Pieces of meat as large as three or four square inches fell from the sky into someone’s yard. According to The New York Times, “two gentlemen, who tasted the meat, express the opinion that it was either mutton or venison.”

I don’t know about you, but if chunks of meat fell from the sky into my yard, I wouldn’t be tasting it. I’d be running through the streets screaming, "Witches! Witches!"

The jolly old man who helps me get through Christmas

If my kids seem particularly well-behaved at this time of the year, it’s
because they think that a man with a white beard and red suit is keeping track of their behavior, all the way from the North Pole. Telling them that “Santa is watching” is a great way to get them to be nice to each other, far more effective than saying “God is watching.”

God may be all-powerful and all-knowing, but he doesn’t bring them toys on Christmas morning, not even a Jesus action figure.

All three of my kids, Lekha, 9, Divya, 7, and Rahul, 5, still believe in
Santa, still believe that the gifts they find under the tree on Christmas morning were placed there by the jolly old man. He travels to millions of homes around the world on a reindeer-drawn sleigh and –- here’s the real miracle –- manages to not get shot down by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

It helps, of course, that he’s a white man. If he were a brown man, he’d be spending the week after Christmas pulling bullets out of his butt.

Elf: “Santa, what happened? Did someone shoot you while you were sliding down their chimney?”

Santa: “No, they shot me while I was landing on their roof. Remind me never to deliver toys to anyone named Sasha and Malia.”

I would never think of shooting Santa, whatever race he happened to be.
Santa is a great help to me. My kids are much nicer in the weeks before
Christmas. And if they unwrap their gifts on Christmas morning and don’t
like what they’ve received, all I have to do is shrug and say, “Sorry,
kids. The old man messed up again!”

Santa doesn’t usually mess up, of course. That’s because the kids tell him
exactly what they want, either by writing him a letter or saying it aloud.

Rahul: “I want Santa to bring me a gun.”

Me: “Santa doesn’t believe in violence. I don’t think he’s going to bring
you a gun.”

Rahul: “Okay then, can Santa bring me a set of drums instead?”

Me: “Santa doesn’t believe in noise either.”

Rahul: “What does Santa believe in, Daddy?”

Me: “He believes in small toys that cost $10 or less.”

What Santa believes in isn’t quite as important as what my children
believe. And I’m dreading the day that they stop believing in him. They’ve
already started asking too many questions.

Lekha: “Daddy, where does Santa get all the toys from?”

Me: “His elves make them in the North Pole.”

Lekha: “Then how come this toy says ‘Made in CHINA’ on it?”

Me: “That’s not the country China, honey. That’s the acronym ‘CHINA.’ It
stands for ‘Creative Households in Northern Arctic.”

Then there’s the question about all the Santas who appear at the mall and
other places in December.

Divya: “Is that the real Santa, Daddy? Shouldn’t he be in the North Pole?”

Me: “No, honey, that’s an imposter. He’s just pretending to be Santa.”

Divya: “Oh, that explains it.”

Me: “Explains what?”

Divya: “Why he smells of beer. I don’t think the real Santa would drink
and glide.”

Then there’s the question about communicating with Santa.

Lekha: “Daddy, I don’t feel like writing a letter this year. Does Santa
have Twitter? Can I just tweet what I want for Christmas?”

Me: “Sure, honey, you can tweet Santa. But don’t be surprised, on
Christmas morning, if you feel a little mis-tweeted.”

Kim's Fairytale 72-Day Marriage

When my wife told me that reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her husband, National Basketball Association player Kris Humphries, were getting a divorce after 72 days of marriage, I was pretty impressed. “Wow, their marriage lasted two and a half months!”

I didn’t realize they had been married that long. Two and a half months! I haven’t checked the Guinness Book, but I’m pretty certain that’s a record for a celebrity marriage involving a man who enjoys playing basketball and a woman who enjoys playing the field.

You have to give them credit. A celebrity marriage doesn’t last that long without the couple trying really hard to work things out. After the first month, they must have gone to marriage counseling; and after the second, they must have gone to Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: “Kim, you say you have some major differences with Kris. What seems to be the biggest difference between you?”

Kim: “I’d say height. He’s much taller than me.”

Dr. Phil: “No, I mean the type of differences that are causing problems in your marriage.”

Kim: “I’d say ratings. He didn’t do much for the ratings of my reality shows.”

Dr. Phil: “You’re thinking of divorcing your husband because he didn’t improve the ratings of your TV shows? Forgive me for being blunt, but are you NUTS?”

Kim (standing up to leave): “That’s it. I’m outta here. I knew this wouldn’t help.”

Dr. Phil: “Hey, come back here. You can’t leave so soon. What about MY ratings?”

Kris: “That’s all right, Dr. Phil. I’m still here. I’ve got nothing else to do. The NBA is locked out.”

Dr. Phil: “Oh, thank goodness. Tell me, Kris, when you and Kim tied the knot in that glitzy $10 million TV wedding in August, were you hoping your marriage would last forever?”

Kris: “Well, I was hoping it would last at least until Christmas.”

Dr. Phil: “But it has already lasted longer than most celebrity marriages. You’ve had a number of anniversaries. How did you celebrate them?”

Kris: “Well, for our one-week anniversary, we went to Las Vegas; for our two-week anniversary, we went to Hawaii; and for our three-week anniversary, we watched ‘Kim’s Fairytale Wedding’ on E! network again and counted all the money we made from it.”

Dr. Phil: “How romantic! What about your other anniversaries?”

Kris: “Well, we started taking each other for granted after that. I forgot all about our four-week anniversary and she made me watch 10 episodes of ‘Kim and Kourtney Take New York.’ We had a big fight on our five-week anniversary because she wanted the cameras to follow us around and I shut the door when I peed. The six-week anniversary was great because E! network had a special about it and my friends kept asking, ‘What’s the secret? How did you make it last so long?’ And I had to tell them about the ‘C’ word.”

Dr. Phil: “Commitment?”

Kris: “No, cash. The reality show producers were paying us to stay together. We couldn’t let the marriage end too soon. Besides, when you have cameras following you around, you have to try to make things work. Otherwise you’d look really stupid.”

Dr. Phil: “That’s true. Whatever happens now, you definitely won’t look stupid. Tell me, Kris, what do you think it was that attracted Kim to you?”

Kris: “Well, she likes athletes and I’m … uh … always around them. She also liked my name. It’s the same as her mother’s and it begins with ‘K.’ She told me that she’d like to have a reality show called ‘Kim and Kris: One Kardashian, Two Kaucasians.” But that was before she realized that ‘Caucasian’ doesn’t begin with a ‘K.’”

Dr. Phil: “What advice do you have for other celebrities?”

Kris: “My only advice is this: If you have to marry a Kardashian, marry one who doesn’t have a reality show.”

If you want to see chivalry, go to the hospital

Some people believe that chivalry is dead, but I don't think that's true. Chivalry isn't dead –- it's just on life support. Doctors are trying their best to revive it. But do we really want them to?

That's a question women need to answer. Men are ready to open doors for you and give up seats on buses and trains for you. We'll do almost anything for you, except carry your handbags while you shop. Even the most chivalrous man has to draw the line somewhere, especially with so many video cameras around. No one wants to be featured in a viral video titled “Lost at the mall: this guy’s manhood.”

Granted, not all men are eager to jump to your assistance. Some of us are ill-mannered buffoons. You know the type: the only door they’ll open for you is the door to the kitchen. And when you’re done cooking an elaborate meal, they’ll wait for you to serve them, saying, “Opening that door really tired me out.”

But most of us do want to be considered gentlemen. In fact, there was a time when we went out of our way to be courteous to women. My memory isn’t perfect, but I do recall a moment in 2001 that I opened a door for a young lady. Or did I just dream it? No, I’m pretty certain it really happened. I parked the car, ran around to the other side and opened the door for my lovely wife. She looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, “What did you do this time?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, you must have done something wrong and are trying to make up for it.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just trying to be a gentleman.”

“A gentleman? Let me guess: you’ve been watching Oprah again.”

Yes, women can sometimes be a little suspicious when you try to be nice to them. But that’s not the main reason chivalry is on life support. What has really hurt it is the Women’s Liberation Movement. Women want to be treated as equals –- and before I get myself in hot water, I should state that I fully support equality of the sexes, especially if it means that my wife gets to climb out of bed and investigate any suspicious sounds in our house at night, while I hide under the blankets.

Women’s Lib has opened many doors for women, including doors to the boardrooms of major companies. “I can do anything you can,” the liberated woman says to the man in her life. “You don’t need to treat me like the weaker sex.”

“Okay, fine,” the man responds. “I’ll just sit on the sofa and watch some cricket.”

“Please do that,” the woman says. “But before you go, can you open this bottle of mango pickle for me? It seems to be stuck.”

The man is confused: Didn’t she just tell him not to treat her like the weaker sex? It appears to him that she can’t do everything he can. After all, when was the last time she grew a moustache? It’s also apparent to him that he can’t do everything she can. After all, when was the last time he gave birth to a baby?

But both sexes are equally capable of certain tasks, he realizes, so he stops opening doors for women, stops giving up his seat in buses. And then one day, an old woman on the bus gives him a glare and says, “Whatever happened to chivalry?”

“I’m asking the same thing,” he replies. “I was on this bus yesterday and not one woman stood up to let me sit.”

(This piece originally appeared in Times of India, Chennai edition.)