I recently stopped at the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine. The cashier put it in a brown paper bag and, as I took it from her, I noticed there were some words on the bag. I thought it was a message such as “Don't Drink and Drive” or “Drink Responsibly.” But when I got to my car, I took a closer look and here's what it said: “Follow us on Twitter.”
Of all the messages they could have put on the bag, this one seemed as unlikely to me as “Keep us in your prayers” or “Recommend us to your addictions counsellor.”
As odd as it seemed, I went ahead and did it. I followed the liquor store. I didn't tell my wife, of course. I didn't want her to think, “Oh no, my husband is a liquor store follower.” Soon word would get out, probably through a Facebook status update, and I’d be getting a visit from the minister at my church.
Minister: “Melvin, is there something you'd like to talk about?”
Me: “Uh ... not really. Why?”
Minister: “Well, I heard that you're following the liquor store.”
Me: “Yes, but only on Twitter. Nowhere else.”
Minister: “I see. So you haven't friended the liquor store on Facebook?”
Me: “No, we aren't friends yet, though I am quite friendly with some of the liquor store's products.”
Minister: “I see. Were you in church last Sunday?”
Me: “Yes, I was there.”
Minister: “Well, you may remember that I talked about whom everyone should be following. Did I say anything about the liquor store?”
Me: “(gulp) ... nope.”
Minister: “So who are you going to unfollow as soon as I leave?”
Me: “@LiquorStore.”
Minister: “And who are you going to follow?”
Me: “@TweetingMinister.”
Minister: “Good. My work is done!”
While I was wary of getting a visit from the minister, I was also curious about what type of tweets the liquor store would send.
Liquor Store: “Just kicked out a drunk guy. Tried to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels with his library card.”
Liquor Store: “I told him he couldn’t buy anything with a library card. He asked if he could borrow the bottle instead.”
Liquor Store: “A lending liquor store. Someone get the investors lined up. We’ll make billions on the IPO.”
The main purpose of the Liquor Store’s Twitter account, of course, is to keep followers informed about all the special deals –- and to answer any questions we have. This could be quite handy, I realized.
Liquor Store: “Kingfisher beer from India on sale today. Only $8.99 for a six-pack. Hurry in.”
Me: “Great! By the way, can you tell me if the Chinese restaurant across the street from you is open right now?”
Liquor Store: “No, I'm busy. Lots of Indian customers.”
Me: “Is Sanjay Patel there? He's a friend of mine.”
Liquor Store: “How should I know if he's here?”
Me: “Well, you could make an announcement.”
Liquor Store: “And what if he's here ... you want me to say 'hi' for you?”
Me: “No, ask him to look out the window and see if the Chinese restaurant is open.”
Liquor Store: “Oh, please. Why don’t you just call them yourself?”
Me: “It’s easier to tweet you.”
Liquor Store: “Ok, ok. Just this once I'll look out the window and see if they're open.”
Me: “Thank you. Can you also find out how much the moo goo gai pan costs?”
March 05, 2012
February 28, 2012
Men think about sex a lot, but not 8,000 times a day
There’s a widely held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds (about 8,000 times a day). It’s not true, of course. If men thought about sex that often, we wouldn’t have time to think about sports and beer.
Most men wouldn’t be able to do their jobs effectively either. Imagine a bus driver in India being hauled in front of a judge after a serious accident.
Judge: “What happened, Muthuswami? Why did you drive your bus into that big hole at the side of the road?”
Muthuswami: “Sorry, your honour, I had sex on my brain.”
Thankfully, Dr. Terri Fisher, a psychology professor at Ohio State University, has done a study that offers a more realistic view. According to the study, which was published in the January issue of The Journal of Sex Research, the average man thinks about sex 19 times a day, while the average woman thinks about sex 10 times a year.
Actually, it’s “10 times a day” for women, but if you’re a married man, you probably think “10 times a year" is more accurate.
Thirty-year-old man: “My wife thinks about sex 19 times a day.”
Friend: “Wow, what’s your secret?”
Thirty-year-old man: “Every time I think about it, I make her think about it too.”
Friend: “Does that work?”
Thirty-year-old man: “Not really. She just says, ‘I thought about it, but I don’t feel like it. Remember, sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts.’”
I’m a little surprised by Fisher’s findings. Nineteen times a day is certainly more realistic than 8,000 times a day, but it does seem rather low, especially since Fisher and her team conducted their research on college students. You can’t convince me that the average male college student (surrounded by attractive young women on campus) thinks about sex only 19 times a day. If you could monitor his sexual thoughts, I bet you’d count to 19 while he was walking from his room on the second floor of his dormitory to the bottom of the stairs.
If a male college student thinks about sex only 19 times a day, what does it say about the rest of us? Even if we think about sex just twice an hour, that would be 32 times a day (assuming that we sleep for eight hours and don’t do what the average male college student frequently does: dream about sex).
In all fairness, Fisher’s study does show considerable variability from one male respondent to another. Among the 283 college students aged 18 to 25, the male responses ranged from 1 to 388!
Yes, one male student thinks about sex 388 times a day. A future study may reveal how many cold showers he takes a day.
The study does have its limitations. The students were asked to press a clicker every time they had a sexual thought. But how do you press a clicker when your hands are occupied? (College students, after all, are often eating with one hand and texting with the other.)
Another limitation is that the study doesn’t differentiate between a sexual thought such as “She’s hot. I’d love to get into bed with her” and a more innocent thought such as “I wonder if parrots talk to each other after they mate.”
In case you’re wondering, the average male parrot thinks about sex 8,000 times a day. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
(A slightly different version of this column originally appeared in Times of India, Chennai edition)
February 27, 2012
Obama's Ready to Serenade America Again
You’ve got to feel bad for the Republican Party. They’ve had a number of primaries and caucuses, almost two dozen debates and countless other campaign events, but still haven’t found a presidential candidate who can sing as well as Barack Obama.
Mitt Romney has tried, treating supporters to his rendition of “America the Beautiful.” And much to his credit, when he was done singing, a large portion of the audience applauded, and the rest were quickly revived.
His supporters were quick to focus on the positives of his voice.
“We’ll save a lot of money if we elect Romney,” one supporter said. “The White House won’t need an exterminator.”
“We can get rid of a lot of pests,” another supporter agreed. “Just picture President Romney singing at a special State Dinner for Robert Mugabe and Bashar al-Assad.”
Romney has been criticized for putting his dog, Seamus, in a crate on the roof of his car during a family trip from Massachusetts to Ontario in 1983. But as a Romney supporter said, “He likes to sing while he drives, so he was just being kind to the dog.”
That might be true, but what about his poor wife and kids? Shouldn’t he have put them on the roof, too?
Better yet, if had strapped himself to the roof, he could have sung to his heart’s content.
Eight-year-old Josh Romney: “Mom, turn the radio up! I can still hear Dad singing.”
Ann Romney: “That’s not Dad singing, Josh. We just passed the Niagara Falls.”
Romney’s voice may seem like a minor flaw for a presidential candidate, but many voters want a president who can occasionally entertain them. Just look at Obama’s approval ratings –- they’ve soared every time he has sung a few notes in public, every time he has shown, with his silky smooth voice, that he’s not merely a man of substance.
This is, after all, the YouTube generation, and when people are busy hitting the ‘like’ and ‘share’ buttons on your singing video, they have no time for negative thoughts such as, “Hey, how come I don’t have a job?”
Singing may even be part of a presidential debate this fall, perhaps a debate moderated by Jim Lehrer of PBS.
Lehrer: “President Obama, we’ve done a lot of talking tonight, so I thought we could take a short break and ask you to sing something for us.”
Obama: “Thanks for the opportunity, Jim. I’d like to sing ‘Second Chance’ by Justin Bieber. … Give me a second chance, girl, a second chance. Give me a second chance, Ima be a better man.”
Lehrer: “That was great, President Obama, but I’m a little confused. Who’s Ima?”
Obama: “I’m not sure. Hold on a second while I tweet Justin.”
Lehrer: “Okay, while you’re doing that, let’s turn to Governor Romney. Would you ... uh ... like to sing something for us?”
Romney: “Sure, I’d …”
Lehrer: “Hang on, Governor Romney. … Members of the studio audience, please be advised that Governor Romney is about to sing. If you look toward the rear, on the right side, you will see a staircase that will take you to the roof. Please don’t rush. There’s enough room up there for everyone.”
February 17, 2012
Sixty years and counting for the Queen
Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her Diamond Jubilee, receiving congratulatory messages from all over the world for her great achievement of spending 60 years on the throne. It’s a tough job -– living in that cramped old palace with a staff of only 250 to take care of your needs, sometimes having to butter your crumpets all by yourself. Most people would have quit by now.
It’s no wonder that the Diamond Jubilee is being celebrated throughout the British Commonwealth, particularly in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Jamaica and a dozen other sovereign states where the Queen is still considered Head of State, with the constitutional authority to make important decisions, such as whether to allow Justin Bieber to sing within 1,000 miles of her.
In just four years, when she’s 89, she’ll pass Queen Victoria for the longest reign of a British monarch –- and if she lives to be 108, she’ll pass King Sobhuza II of Swaziland for the longest verifiable reign in history. And her eldest son, Prince Charles, will set a record for the longest wait in history. The current record of 75 years is held by David Neevadock, who’s been waiting to see a doctor at Toronto General Hospital.
If you haven’t followed the Queen’s reign closely, here are some facts that may surprise you:
---She married Prince Philip on Nov. 20, 1947 –- not long after World War II. She had fallen in love with him when she was 13 and he was 18. The tabloids promptly dubbed them “Philizabeth.”
---She took her vows as Queen on June 2, 1953. A televised recording of her coronation was watched by 100 million people in North America. Soon after that, the remote control was invented.
---In 1945, she received training as a driver and mechanic after joining the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service. Her knowledge came in handy in 1949 when her car broke down and poor Philip looked in the trunk for the carburetor.
---In 2010, Forbes magazine estimated her net worth to be $450 million. But that was before she invested heavily in the website MarryPrinceHarry.com.
---It’s customary to address her initially as “Your Majesty” and thereafter as “Ma’am.” Calling her “girl” or “babe” is acceptable only if you don’t mind having a handbag print on your forehead.
---The Queen travels freely around the world without a passport. Only one airport security officer has ever tried to frisk her. God rest his soul.
---She has bestowed almost 400,000 titles and awards during her reign. She has conferred a knighthood on acclaimed author Salman Rushdie, appointed singer Kylie Minogue as an officer in the Order of the British Empire (OBE), and honored President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe with an IBE: “Idiot of the British Empire.”
---The Queen has donned more than 5,000 hats over the decades. Her hat closet is so large, someone once got lost in there. Thankfully, a crack squad from London Police Service, using GPS devices and a pair of sniffer dogs, was able to locate Prince Philip.
---After completing 250 official visits to 129 countries, the Queen gained a spot in the Guinness World Records for the “Most Traveled Monarch” –- the only human in Guinness history to ever displace a butterfly.
---The Queen speaks both English and French fluently. Her knowledge of Hindi is limited to the phrase “topi mere saiz ka milegaa?” (Do you have this hat in my size?)
February 02, 2012
No lottery wins, but still feeling lucky
Why do some people seem to have all the luck in the world while others have no luck whatsoever?
Delma Kinney, 51, of Atlanta is one of the lucky ones. He won $1 million in an instant lottery game in 2008, then did it again recently. Yes, two lottery wins in three years!
As Kinney told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, he stopped at a convenience store to pick up some cold medicine, decided to buy an instant lottery ticket, and won another million bucks. It must be nice: one moment, you have a cold; the next moment, you’re blowing your nose on $100 bills.
The last time I stopped at a convenience store to buy cold medicine, I thought it was my lucky day too: the doughnuts were on sale.
That just goes to show you, of course, that whether you feel lucky or not depends on your expectations.
I feel lucky when I wake up in the morning, look out the window and see that no one has stolen our car.
I feel lucky when my wife prepares a healthful dinner for us and gives most of the vegetables to the kids.
I feel lucky when I switch channels on my TV and don’t see a single Kardashian.
I feel lucky when my wife exchanges more words with me on any given day than with her Facebook friends.
I feel lucky when I go for my annual physical and the doctor spends less time examining me than the guy at airport security.
I feel lucky when I’m standing in line at the grocery store and can catch up on Jennifer Aniston’s love life.
I feel lucky when I watch music videos with my children and the artists are wearing more than just their musical instruments.
I feel lucky when I can get a loan to buy a car and the loan officer at the bank doesn’t ask me if I can afford gas.
I feel lucky when the guy at the pawn shop doesn’t ask me whose earrings those are.
I feel lucky when everything works in my house: the dishwasher, the washing machine, the Alpha Male Plus pills.
I feel lucky when I tell my children to take a bath and at least one of them gets off the couch and asks, “Take it where, Daddy?”
I feel lucky when I can file my taxes less often than Billy Bob Thornton files for divorce.
I feel lucky when I visit the hairdresser and he doesn’t cut off more than a small section of my ear.
I feel lucky when I can go to the beach and do some reading –- all those words on well-tanned bodies.
I feel lucky when it’s a Friday night, the kids have gone to bed, and my wife whispers into my ear, “Do you feel lucky?”
“Yes, honey,” I say. “I do feel lucky.”
She smiles, pulls me closer and gives me a kiss. Then she sends me to the convenience store to buy lottery tickets.
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